Hello all, first of all, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my writings. It really means a lot to me and I truly hope it has something to offer.

Going forward, I will be using Substack instead of WordPress to publish my writings and maintain my website. WordPress really sucks 😦 and the software which Substack uses is much more user friendly, for creators and consumers. I’ll leave a link here if you’d like to follow my page there. Of course, you can also make a Substack account and check out everything that is going on over there. It really does seem like a good platform and that it is basically what WordPress wanted to be or should have been. Anyways, thanks again!

zazzoswell.substack.com

Btw, I’ll probably take this site down sometime next year.

The most important question every human may ask of themselves is; “Am I creating love in my heart?”.

A Moment In Time

What would I give for a moment of clarity
A moment of pure unadulterated clearness
A moment so serene, so pure,
It would float on top of the lake still, when there are no waves

This moment, to be captured in time,
Would be worth a million diamonds
To have this moment, in the back of my mind
To be recalled at a moment’s notice

To have the ability to bring myself to that moment in time
At the drop of a dime
At the sound of a bell
At any sign of ill-warranted evidence

Would bring me a thousand joys, in the form of actions taken
Actions taken in the interest of humanity and the human spirit
For it is my mind which distracts me, it is my heart which confuses me
Perhaps, it is even my soul which pervades vanity upon my essence

To have such a moment
Would allow me to escape from the comings and goings of my mind
The wishing and washing of my soul
The hopping and skipping of my heart

All these distractions, keep me so connected to this very moment
For if I knew where the bottom lay
If I knew where each and every droplet of rain would fall
I would not be alive

So,
Instead of wishing for such a moment
I will listen to these distractions
I will allow such hopping, skipping, and jumping as my heart desires
I will give a moment in time for my soul to fill with life

For these distractions are not such, as I have condemned them to be
They are me
They are myself, wrapped up in a skin-tight cloak
These distractions are signs, notes, bends in the river

Pulling my attention towards a certain instance
Asking me for forgiveness, compassion, strength, love, patience,
Courage, persistence, and presence
I give it all

And after the giving is finished
After I have nothing more within me which I may offer
I become empty

I become like a leaf blowing in the wind
Which comes to rest

Still upon the lake, when there are no waves

– Zazzo, the Wanderer

The greatest words of consolation and sympathy I have ever received were from my mother. I will describe them here.

There was a time when I was speaking openly to my mother about the trials and tribulations I had faced. I was trying to show her my weakness, my insecurities, my faults, my fears, my losses, the nights of loneliness and uncertainty upon which I was reflecting in that moment. I was sharing with her all this, and as I was on the verge of tears, she said quietly, “Look who it made you become.”

Suffering and loss is simply a part of human nature, it is who we are and we would be lost without it. For the only way forward, is to make meaning from the loss, and beauty from the suffering. Such is the natural course of this life. All organisms on this planet experience such a war as that which takes place in the heart of each and every human. And it is not for the individual to pick and choose which battles they face, or draw boundaries upon their heart, saying to the universe, “No, you may not go there”. Instead, we must allow this world to take whatever shape it will and allow it to imprint upon our soul a journey worth more than a 10,000 years of comfort. The reason for this I will not explicate here. Instead, I will leave the reader with the simple adage; such is the nature of life. And furthermore, if the individual chooses to dig into their heart, and if the individual chooses to listen to their soul, they will find this journey to be present, evident, and eager for life.

There is beauty in the struggle and there is meaning in loss. And I pray for the humility to ask for no more than this.

“Our adversity is our fortune.” – Nyuk Tsin, the Pake Kokua

(Hawaii, Michener, 1959)

Triumph creates ego, and ego destroys the mind.

Loss creates suffering, and suffering refines the soul.

The reasons for writing are many and few. They are personal and factual. I will try to decipher them here. First and foremost, I must point out that writing is a matter of necessity for me. For example, when I try to be alive, in a room, silently, alone with myself and my thoughts, I cannot survive without letting some type of energy out. This can take various forms, of which chess, general learning, and exercise have been a great help. Except in the end, there is nothing that quite satisfies my soul like writing does. Writing is a satiation of the spirit to me. I am not quite sure why… and, in many ways, I dislike the entire process quite a bit. For, I do not believe myself to be such an exceptional person who has such thoughts that people should take time to consider. Let me say that a bit clearer. I find it odd that any single person may offer words of advice and wisdom to another person. Such transmission of knowledge which then manifests itself in some real form in the “other” person’s life is an extremely peculiar situation. This is of course because, what could I possibly know and understand about your experience? I am barely holding on to my own experience and understandings. To offer one’s thoughts, and for them to be beneficial to another party, seems to me an extremely fortuitous situation. A situation in which I have very little control or say. In fact, this brings me to my general belief about my own writing. Which is, that there is an energy that passes through me which I put forth onto the page. Meaning, that I am a medium, not the origin for such knowledge and understanding as a reader may gain by reading the words I have written. This is a very important point, and one which also solves my earlier riddle of how unlikely it is for anything I have to say ending up useful or acting as an improvement in another’s life. For, it is not me, which is offering and creating such words and ideas. I simply do my utmost to open myself up to such transmission as I may receive from someplace else, and then which is offered to you, the reader. Thus, for your attention and patience, I thank you. I am diligently focused on only allowing those ideas through which offer understanding to the world. Meaning, they are not creative products which I have found because of my amazing brain or ingenious thoughts, rather they should be thought of as discoveries, much like a scientific discovery. For I am part of the world. And a part can only offer what part it is confined to. For it is impossible for me to offer the entire world. I am not the owner, not the ruler, nor even its lover. I am a simple man who feels pain and joy in turns. I wish to live fully and to die well, nothing more. The difference between me and other people, is that for me, this process of transmission through words seems extremely important to my soul. Indeed, one could call it my fate. And in fact, I believe this to be the case.

Now, let us focus on “that other place” which I mentioned. Referring to that place which the words come from. Where is that exactly? For one, I simply do not know, and neither do you. We may call it the “mystery of life”. Still, I believe it is a spiritual process for me above all. So, it comes from wherever place my soul is connected. I can say no more than this.

The words I speak are both my own and not my own. They exist in the world the same as a tree stands in the forest. They are for all to bear witness if they so wish. The reasons for writing these words are a mystery and still, the path is clear. To offer these words helps me and soothes my soul. I wish they may do the same for you, the reader.

What I am about to express is very uncomfortable for men to express, amongst themselves, and amongst the larger society. It is for this reason that I am attempting to give voice something which is not generally welcome in social discourse.

In my experience as a man, I have felt little welcome, and would even go so far as to say that I have felt punished, by women, for expressing my feelings as a man honestly and genuinely. This is in contrast to the commonly held belief that men do not wish to express their feelings, or that they wish to live a life detached of emotion, because this life is apart of some male machismo which is necessary for the male ego. This belief may be true to an extent which many generalities are partly true. Still, I do not believe it is the primary factor determining or guiding this behavior of emotional neglect . What I am saying is that, women are more in control of men’s behavior than is commonly held in society. Perhaps, women are much more in control of male behavior than women would like to admit to themselves. And that men will change according to what the women in their lives need or can ask of them. This requires on part of the women some direct communication with the men in their life. And furthermore, requires the deep empathy and compassion which is required for any significant and meaningful emotional relationship.

I can say that as I man among men. I will continue to live as a man who expresses my feelings to myself and to those in my social circle. Regardless of degree of welcome attitude which I may receive.

Lastly, I would like to say that the reasons for this dynamic surrounding emotional disincentivization are many and most of these reasons are “good” reasons. Meaning, they have a reasonable and justifiable place in the course of human history. I do not wish to discuss such reasons for this is a quite lengthy and most probably philosophical discussion about human circumstance and evolution. Nonetheless, I believe this disincentivization, on the part of women, for an emotionally detached male experience, is a dynamic which is not necessary for societal existence in the modern world at least. And that, the shedding of such a social dynamic should be viewed as part of the larger realignment of gender roles which American society has been experiencing so intensely of late.

Why is it that the most beautiful and touching art comes from the deepest pain?

It seems to be that the difference between the internal world and the external world is dimensionality. This is why we cannot “visualize” the internal world, and we can only approach expressing feelings which guide our way within. If we attempt to “look” within, using our conscious mind, we will find ourselves as blind as someone who restricts his/her ability to think in terms of a single context. Meaning, we are unable to perceive and thus lack awareness. For the ability to think critically is still present, it is our perceptive functions that are lost by using our conscious mind as a tool for subconscious awareness. Luckily, the creator has provided us with alternative means to perceive this higher dimension space, this subconscious world. These are; the heart, the soul, the gut. I provide no evidence for this claim, other than what your own heart or gut may tell you while reading this paragraph. Therefore, the sole evidence I present in this case is the inherent experience that if one searches within, and observes his/her own experience, they will find these observations to be self-evident by way of experience, not deduction.

-Zazzo