How do I keep my ego out of my writing? This process is very important to me, or else, my product and soul do not feel complete. When my ego comes around, I have no words. For it is more important to me to speak truly and honestly, then to grab at some golden apple hanging from a tree. What does it take to channel the infinite? Routine, soul, completeness, strangeness, a breakthrough, a moment of clarity, drugs, a selfless self, an unknown voice speaking in the background, a struggle, a unpure heart, a pure heart, worthiness, ambition, gratitude, love, hope, and the list goes on and on. What does it take? I don’t have eyes in my head to see. When I run, sometimes my body doesn’t want to. When I play basketball, my shots are sometimes way off. When I play chess, sometimes I simply don’t see the endgame. Are they the same or different? I am pushing my mind. Sometimes, I will write unseemly things. I am competing with myself. These are the answers I wish I could tell myself. And why not? Writing is from the soul, a base of power and truth. Where are my feelings in the whirlwind of readiness? My ego rips it all away. In the others, it is okay for my ego to rip me up. For I will return. Is it not the same with writing? I am afraid to write something unauthentic and selfish. This could happen. I could also fail at everything else that I do. The answer is. Keep coming back.

Love

The soul into which I reach
And pull out glass shards
To show the world the colors of the rainbow
Was not always broken
There was a time, not so long ago
That I felt reinvented
Rejuvenated and whole
Childhood naivete at its best

I realized
That a whole soul, is not one worth showing
That it is not one worth living for
My life is an illusion meant to be broken into pieces
Those pieces I can pick up with my hands
And say here I am

The grand total of life
Amounts to a number beyond count
In my head I know this, a barrier unseen and so unspoken
How can I evoke in another’s soul the small glimmer of hope
Of harmony
Of peace and courage
As the soul like the body must be fed drop by drop
A human swallowing water as he dips his head into the river

But I must be careful as I carry water from this river
As I break apart rocks to find colors on the inside
As I reach into my chest and pull my self out with my third arm
For in the river lurk crocodiles
Behind the rocks there are scorpions
Ready to take me for the silly man I am

Only a fool would venture beyond his means
And go down to the river to jump right in
Cold water rushing into my lungs depriving me of air
I am risking death and searching for pain
It is a pain I can endure, a death worth living for
Man will die, and he will suffer
I too will follow this fate

As I look at the grand rock, the one we call love
I feel fear and sadness
For I know, I cannot lift it
I will break my back and my soul it seems
Then I will not venture into the river or the caves
Shall I try and lift it?
Here I am.

At line one, with a body still unbroken
I must willingly venture over to the rock
And give my self to whoever put it there
For it is my task now
And when my body is broken
And my soul has been taken by love
And my life is complete and full

I will show the world
What a dreamer I am
Full of delusions
None of grandeur
But of love
Love for all
Love for love

For I have been taken into the river and
Thrown from the waterfall
To dust we shall return
From the rocks must we learn

-Zazzo

The life we are given, must be taken. I find many contradictions in words. Yet, life itself is a paradox. Look there is another one! How can life be anything other than life? Paradox is something I experience and created. Well, in the end that is what I am communicating correct? My experience. It is a simple reality that humans have no regard for truth or reality. Why would we? I must die, this is all that I know, so. Then I want to live. It is not wrong to live, it is only wrong to be dead while living. This is my philosophy. Mistakes is a made up word. How can one know something is a mistake without knowing what is ahead? Living in a dead body and mind means utter suppression of curiosity and vision. Do you get it? Well?

I look out across a vast expanse of land and civilization. And wonder, where do I fit in to this picture? We must all allow the environment we are set in to mold our character and shape our decisions. Every person is always reacting to the events that transpire around them. This is evident from the time each of us are born. This thought strikes me as very pivotal in my decision making and perspective on life. How much have you not chosen? I will not kick my self for the rest of my life because of situations that have transpired without my knowledge or personal influence. This is an important path to being a human being because there is much ugliness in this world. There is much evil to be wrought and observed. So who am I? I live here, now, in this world that has been given to me. “How will I exist in this world that is already happening?”, is a much better question than, “How should this world be?”, in this instance. Your effect and influence will be determined by the environment and set reality in which you live. What is my path forward?

Feelings bubble up in a great drift of fate
I sit and listen to the silence in the wind
Never again will the wind blow so softly
I feel almost enraged at my puzzlement of life
The complications that arise when my soul reaches its peak
For the peak of any mountain looks down on much
How can I look down?
What am I
A fear yet to be resolved
A pain yet to be felt
An hour yet to be sat
A minute yet to be sung
A breathe yet to be taken
Nothing will outlast my dying wish for peace
Not even your love I fear
Then why do you mend my soul with your simple presence
How can you look at me with such eyes and expect me to turn away
What is this task
Life cannot ask this of me
Will not ask this of me
I hope with all my heart
I don’t know what to do
Yes, a hello will suffice
A goodbye will suffice
Those words would last me to the end of this week
My heart sings while my head quivers in fear
Though, my soul
Is still looking for you
Is still looking for life
Is still looking for God
Is still looking for myself
Is still looking for
Nothing
Where we all stand
Sometimes I wonder at that which nothing provides
It is the truth, in every sense of the word
But why does it fill me up so
I am complete in nothing
I am nothing
To live a life full of somethings
To me seems delusional
So which one are you?

A man walks up to a woman, and says “Hullo.” The woman replies “Hey, what’s up.” The mans walks away. Leaving the woman a bit perplexed. The woman thinks to herself “Why did he just walk away after saying hello?” The man thinks to himself, “I have no idea what she meant by that, better safe than sorry!” Ha!

So many of the feelings and thoughts I express have deep value to them in my world. I mean, worth expressing. Taking the breath and the time. But really, am I saying anything worth while? I most definitely feel like coming to the conclusion that my expressions are just my own, and that I should keep them to myself. Does anyone else feel like that? Well shout it out! Or not. Haha. As always, correct action is hard to determine because usually it is a state of mind that is truly affecting our situation. But….whether one is devoid of value and meaning largely depends on individual perspective first of all. But that is a boring conversation. Of course we’re worth as much as the whole world combined. Now go away! Otherwise, it depends on strength in expression, how much we care about what we’re saying. Which with I mean to say, our words are not our own. They are owned by life only as a reflection of our actions and deeds. This is what it means to be someone “of their word”. I believe this to be true.

In my intellectual life. There seems to be a theme that I continually struggle with and come back to. “Nothing matters.” What is this “nothing matters”? How could something not matter and what does intellect have to do with it? It seems to me that most people do not question whether something matters or not. It is simply not important. So why is it important to me? Its because I want a mission in my life. A goal or end worth achieving, worth struggling for. Is it a justification for the pain of life or actually “nobility”? Not important for this discussion. My life is riddled with “it doesn’t matter” though. I want to chase my dreams and die in front of a symbolic statue but I am caught short handed by “nothing matters”. I think that things do have to matter or at least should for a healthy and realistically productive mind state. So I think that whether “nothing matters” actually matters or not is solved, it does indeed matter. Haha. We will stop here. God bless. My life is an existential crisis.

What can I say when I’ve fallen down a thousand times

Life’s processes are strange to me. They don’t make “sense”. If I want something does it have to fight me back? Have faith in yourself and your decisions and move forward. A forrest becomes more beautiful after a fire.